I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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