Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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