I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Randomize
