Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dignity is for republicans.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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