At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
