you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
