Apparently you make a good broom.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
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Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
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Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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