Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
