just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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