Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
