at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
