First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
