she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
