I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
