Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
