First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
