Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
