dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
