Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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