I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
