"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
