Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
