I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
