Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The air taste purple.
Randomize