My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
3pm strippers are depressing
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
