she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
