I CAN MOONWALK!
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
