I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
