Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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