TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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