I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
