Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
