I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
