Just cropdusted the office
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
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Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
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We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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