I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
