Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
