If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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