so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
