angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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