would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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