gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
