I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
