I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
