Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
