im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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