Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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