You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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