i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
