That reminds me...we need to get swords
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
