The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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