your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
