I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
