chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
nutella sex= disaster
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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