My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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