My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
