It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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