i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
