So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
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I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
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My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize