My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
